How to Talk to a Therapist Who Gets ENM

You shouldn’t have to spend half your therapy session explaining that your relationship style isn’t the problem.

But if you're ethically non-monogamous (ENM), you might already know the drill:

You open up. They blink. You can feel the judgment—or worse, the confusion. And suddenly, the space that was supposed to be safe… isn’t.

Let’s be clear: therapy should never make you feel like your identity is a diagnosis. Whether you're solo poly, nesting with a partner, or still figuring it out — your therapist should get it, or be willing to learn without making you their textbook.

Here’s why it matters — and how to find (or talk to) a therapist who actually sees you.

Why ENM-Affirming Therapy Matters

Ethical non-monogamy isn’t new, but let’s be real: the mental health field still has catching up to do. Too many people have walked into therapy only to be:

• Misunderstood (“So… are you commitment-phobic?”)

• Pathologized (“Were you neglected as a child?”)

• Dismissed (“You’ll grow out of this.”)

• Coached back into monogamy (“Have you tried just being with one person?”)

  
  

That’s not therapy. That’s bias. And if you’re constantly defending your relationship structure, it’s hard to get to the actual work — like building communication, healing attachment wounds, or navigating conflict.

What “ENM-Affirming” Actually Means

It’s not just about having a rainbow flag on a website or listing “open relationships” under specialties.

An ENM-affirming therapist:

• Understands the different forms of ENM (polyamory, relationship anarchy, swinging, etc.)

• Knows that jealousy is a human emotion, not a moral failure

• Doesn't assume hierarchy unless you say so

• Gets that compersion and conflict can coexist

• Understands that healthy boundaries ≠ control

• Centers your values, not theirs

Most importantly: they treat your relationship structure as valid, not a symptom.

How to Talk to a Therapist About ENM

Whether you’re vetting a new therapist or trying to open up to the one you already have, here are a few ways to make the conversation feel more intentional:

1. Start With Your Terms

You don’t have to teach a whole class, but sharing how you define your relationships can be helpful. 'Try:

“We practice relationship anarchy, so we don’t really rank our connections.”

“I’m polyamorous and currently have two long-term partners.”

“We’re open sexually, but emotionally monogamous.”

2. Ask About Their Experience

Yes, you’re allowed to interview your therapist. Some helpful questions:

• “Have you worked with clients in ENM relationships before?”

• “How do you approach relational diversity in your work?”

• “Are you familiar with terms like nesting partner, compersion, or kitchen table poly?”

  
  

If they say “no,” that’s not an automatic red flag — if they’re open to learning without making it your job.

3. Watch for Red (or Green) Flags

Red:

• They suggest ENM is a phase, problem, or trauma response without your consent

• They pressure you to conform to monogamy

• They seem visibly uncomfortable or avoidant

  
  

Green:

• They’re curious, informed, and respectful

• They don’t pathologize your experiences

• They ask about your goals, not theirs

  
  

You Deserve a Therapist Who Gets You

You shouldn’t have to shrink parts of yourself to get support. You shouldn’t have to trade honesty for comfort. You shouldn’t have to wonder if your therapist is judging the people you love.

Therapy should be a place where your relationship style is just a part of your story — not the whole plot.

It’s Time to Work with Someone Who Gets It

If you’re in ENM and therapy hasn’t felt safe, it’s not your fault. You’re not too complicated. You’re not too much. You’re just in the wrong room.

The good news? There are therapists who see ENM as a valid, vibrant way to love — not a clinical problem to fix. Come in and meet with Melissa Holbrook and find where you fit.